There are so many questions i want to ask him, Why did he choose to endure it himself??? Why makes me hate him?? I'll hate him to the core if I find out the truth. Yes, I will.
Even if this heart hurts so much whenever I missed him. when the tears cant stop flowing whenever I thought of him. He is the only one who can make me feel so helpless, and I hate having this feeling everytime.
After the youth meeting ended, we walked to the bus stop. In the bus, I decided to call up a dear friend of mine. Somehow, it went on to talk about how she has cried the previous night, going without sleep and feeling exhausted. When I asked her why she did not call or talk to me, she replied "Because I just want to be alone and I am sure your reply would be asking me to forget about him" I felt that I wanted to tell her i know how it feels, when I reflected on myself, I am definitely amazed, that was exactly how I felt a few months back.
Each morning when I woke up, Every night when I am about to sleep, his name, face, smile, will just appear on my mind. This is why letting go takes a huge effort and commitment. When I chatted with her, it gives me a glimpse into her heart, filled with passionate love, bitterness, possesiveness. Maybe its just me, but it gave me goosebumps. Love is powerful... but when we fell into the dark side of love, its poignant and heartbreaking. Where have all those pure & innocent love gone to..?
Much is said and done, no matter what happens... I still believe in the existence of true love.
Okay, I really really dont know what's wrong. Im the crappiest person to be with these days, my mood is unstable and I get annoyed easily. Then I started to ponder and reconsider events or perhaps situations that happened recently.
I'll be graduating in six weeks time, and I am in the midst of planning my holidays. But why is it that somehow I get nervous everytime I thought of going back to Indonesia. I must make plans for my future!! But for now.... I have to still book two-way ticket in case.
My father is coming to Spore tomorrow, I'm looking forward to our father-daughter talk. I wonder what we will be discussing this time, somehow sometimes I will just love talking to him. Even though at times it can be distressing as well.
I am looking forward to the BKT dinner with the girls, and I hope girl-talk will get rid of my moodiness. It will I think, because I will be smiling a lot. I should be happy and laugh more from now in order to prevent those wrinkles from forming too quickly.
I thought this may be true, you cant force someone to love a person, but you can make two person fall in love naturally. Just put them together, let them stay close and in no time, you'll hear the good news. I learnt it from the tons of drama I've watched.
Part 3
The marriage arrangement was about to be set. Perhaps whether it will be in August or December, does not matter to me any longer.. no more of it. When I asked why, they told me age is catching up and we will eventually settle down. I have those days when I felt numb and submissive, all there is left for me to do is to act the role while everything else is well taken care of.
Everytime I saw my beloved grandmother, I know she always look deep into my heart. She is the person that I treasured most in my life, and one day I found her telling me with a smile "He doesnt seem like a bad person" He caught my grandmother's heart too in the end. It turned out that he took good care of my grandma when he met her coincidently at a religious festival.
When I am home, we seldom met. Still I have "princess days" for comfort, bird nest and fruit juices served daily. I remember having a turtle soup once that I almost threw up and being literally persuaded to consume a snake soup. I know it was all good stuff but I still cant force it down my throat and I thought those animals are too pitiful. The heaps of opportunity for shopping and grooming delights me, dinners at expensive restaurants and hotels, watching movie in premium theater. Those expensive memories we have still lingers deeply, yet I still love being in a comfortable places. Truthfully speaking, those expensive places was too cold and doesnt suit me at all sometimes. There is this one fear that occasionally came to me, whether this has come an end. There is still no formal termination of the relationship.
Psalm 16:8 I know the Lord is right beside me, and I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me.
I was talking to a girlfriend this morning, relaxing by the poolside enjoying the afternoon sun. There I felt so calm and peaceful, maybe it is the freedom.. that I gained all over again.
Part 2
He came to visit me at the end of March as promised, that was the only time when I felt we were attached. I remember rushing to meet him straight after school, accompanying him from places to places. But during those times, I still couldnt exactly make out my feelings towards him. I was still confused. Was it out of obligation, family pressure or situation?
Met his sister's family and visited his house, glad that they're nice and friendly people to talk to. The next day we went to his friend's house for dinner, I felt a little out of place at first but eventually settle in. I found the gentle side of him when he talked to a little girl, he is the kind of serious man who will get soft in front of kids. He flew back again the next day for work, and saw him again 2 months later. When he left, I felt something triggers in my heart.
